What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 23.06.2025 00:23
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I have no regrets .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
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He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She was in good health!
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As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
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Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I couldn’t, believe it.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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It was going to be , some day.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Was to survive, this bastard.
How can someone in your family purposely try to destroy your reputation?
So, i spoilt her more .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I think the readers, may guess!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Put me off passion for life!!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She found it foreign!.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
As i do to all so called friends.?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I write beautiful poetry .
Why did i forgive my father ?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I don,t even have a pension.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But it wasn’t much.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
One cannot live in the past .
Im still living with it.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She married twice! .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Ive learnt so much.
He knew the spot.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was 9 years of age.
I will be 64.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But, we were locked up after school.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I said to her
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She loved him until the end.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
So whats the point in blame.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My family never makes their pension either.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Especially a lifetime of it.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was seconnd youngest,
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We all went to grammer schools
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I never cut or harmed myself..
This is soul school!.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
When she asked me how she looked .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My life is so biszare .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
What did i know ?
Who then, do I blame.?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And i lived it daily.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Would this be the day?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was very sick at this time too.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Comes on , in middle age.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was scared of men, in general
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
All the time i was locked up.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She wouldn,t have been !
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I waited trembling.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We were not on the streets..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And who doesn’t know suffering?